|
Hello a_welcomed_visitor_00, and welcome to my journal archives! This is where I put my entries that are more than 2 weeks old... enjoy!
I added my Xanga entries from the past few months here. I thought about placing a link but decided that I would probably be too lazy to look at those if I was reading someone else's page.
November 9 2002 -- 11:34 PM -- Xanga Entry V
Dearest Lara,
Well, here's an interesting tid-bit for you. That really pretty girl I gave the note and teddy bear to, the one that works at Price Chopper remember? some of her friends recognized the number as Angie's and she talked to Angie yesterday.
When Angie first approached me with this I thought I was sunk. I thought for sure that this girl thought I was some kind of weirdo stalker. What a pleasant surprise it was to hear that she (Price Chopper girl) thought it was sweet and that I was kinda cute. Her name is Amber Cross and she's 16ish so probably a Sophomore or Junior. Angie talked to her about calling me today but Amber's grounded and can't call until then. I'm not going to be naive and hold my breath, but I'm going to let her make the first move atleast to see if she's that interested. I really hope this works out well.
In other news, I met my goal of benching 225 lbs five times the other day. Well, my goal of like a year ago heh. The next level is 245 lbs, then 265. I can't wait to see my max written down as 300+ lbs. My squat max is already atleast 350. I'm excited to say the least; now if I could only grow a few vertical inches. Being 5'6"ish in a school where everyone's mostly 5'8" makes me feel very short. There's Freshmen that are a foot taller than me! Oh well, I'm considerably stronger than most of the 5'8"+ club anyway.
Well, I just wanted to give you that little update Lara; I'm going back to leveling Dandai and getting Spell Casting Fury 2 for some elite critical hits!
Love,
Pat
|
November 7 2002 -- 10:46 PM -- Xanga Entry IV
Dearest Lara,
Yeah yeah yeah, it's been a while. Interesting things have happened. I auditioned for the Madrigal and got the part of Mertonsire, a foppish snobby man who wants to wed Princess Olivia (Gretchen Mollenhour HAH!). Music Makers went to Webb City last Saturday but didn't even place. We were one of those groups that you watch and think... wtf are they here? *sigh* In choir we sang a song called Lambscapes. I had a solo in it where I had to sing in an big opera style and dress up as a female Viking affectionately named Helga (not my idea ;)) I did however get a standing ovation which made it sooooo worth it. My little heart went pitter patter :p.
No new crushes lately. A few weeks ago I was accusing Elise of liking me and I think she wanted to hurt me in ways men aren't supposed to be hurt. O.o
Gretchen is going out of her way to talk to me, and I have to tell you that's doing wonders for my self-esteem. I don't openly have a crush on her anymore, nor have a terribly big desire to be with her, but the fact that she is being nice and is giving me the time of day gives me hope. A kind of hope that you can lean on when you think depressing thoughts and insist on reminding yourself that you're a senior and are afraid to give hugs to a girl. Perhaps one of these days I'll get my shot. Perhaps not. In the end I know things will work out the way they do to help me become a better person, or help me help someone else become a better person.
I was in an especially hyper mood today and was being borderline annoying, but I think most people enjoyed it. Katie Boyd probably didn't though... I switched roles with her today without her consent and she wasn't appreciative at all. I did make her smile and laugh quite a bit, but she got really upset with Jacob and in turn with me. Ahh well, you can't please everyone.
Ashleigh is a mystery to me still. I know her and Jim have a strong relationship, but they certainly don't show it publicly. I wish there was something I could do or say, but I think it's up to them and I'd only get in the way if I tried to remedy things. Sometimes the best way to help someone is to leave them alone and this could be one of those times.
A couple Sunday's ago, Dad sent me to Price Chopper to get some stuff and he only gave me 21 bucks. I ended up getting about 24 bucks worth of stuff and I didn't have my wallet on me, so I working my boyish charm *flex* the 16ish year old cashier shaved off 4 bucks and made it an even 20 dollars. She said "You owe me some day." Being the trustworthy and erm... vendictive? (;)) person that I am, I went to Hallmark and got her a Boyd Bear that's holding a heart saying "Thanks Beary Much." Cheesy? Indeed. I think it might do the trick however as I wrote her a note to go along with it (I had the nice ladies at Hallmark wrap it for me). The note basically said I hadn't met any people here yet and that I was looking for a local pal and thought she'd be a great start. I gave her my number and said "call if you'd like, but if not, I leave you with this:" and quoted Aesop by saying "An act of kindness, no matter how small, is never wasted." I gave her the note and the bear tonight and am kinda hoping I get a call from her tomorrow, but I really shouldn't tease myself like that. I won't expect it, but be pleasantly surprised if it happens. I'm hoping I came across as nice more than freaky, but me looking like the Hulk can be slightly intimidating (so says Elise *re*).
I'm soooooo ready to find someone that I can be affectionate with. That I can call and be sappy with and give hugs and hold hands with. I see all these relationships around school and I'm nearly sick of it. Here lately I think I've been sending the wrong message about my sexuality, but that can work both ways. No guys have called me gay, or atleast not to my face. Girls however I have seen whispering and I've overheard a few girls in choir say something about me. Erin Fordyce even asked me :p. I didn't straight out laugh at her, but I did grin and told her I thought she was sexier than any man alive. On that note, Jaclyn (spelling?) Lair thinks I like her *sigh*. So now I can't get as close to her friend wise as I'd like to. Maybe I shouldn't make a lot of close friends my Senior year? Then again what's the point if I'm not gonna live it up to it's fullest. I'm gonna bawl at the end anyway.
Well, it's about 11:15PM and I have school tomorrow. I should be getting to bed. I have a feeling that I'm going to meet a significant other shortly, like before Christmas. How long I can keep her around I'm not sure, but my intuitions lately have been very close to their marks if they weren't right on. A handy skill indeed.
Love,
Pat |
|
|
October 12 2002 -- 12:59 AM -- Xanga Entry III
Disclaimer: Anything you read here cannot - and will not - be repeated if you enjoy: talking, walking, breathing. Have a nice day. :)
Dearest Lara,
I must try and keep this short because I need to get some sleep! District Choir is tomorrow (All State Choir auditions will happen starting at 1:00 - during All District rehearsal) and I have to be at the high school by 7:00AM. I'm sooooooo confident that I'll make All-State this year. I know I will.
Well, here's the only reason I wanted to write this entry tonight: Jacob and Gretchen are having err... problems. I didn't know how "serious" it was until I talked to Jacob. He exclaimed how tired he was of her attitude and how she treats him. He was a little reluctant at first to talk to me, but as he realized I really wanted to help (and we got to talk one on one) he let loose his tongue.
I told him the best advice I had, stuff I usually save until later, because I want Gretchen to be happy. Sure I want Jacob to be happy with Gretchen, but honestly I was mostly concerned with her. He was saying he might get a ride home with someone else early in our conversation and towards the end I told him to ride with her, but don't bring up anything negative - that will show you're not too upset with her and that you want to be around her still.
I would go into more detail about the conversation, but I'm making this post public to appease Elise's whining about me not updating it a bunch, even though she doesn't read the whole thing anyway, and it's not my place to talk about such personal things. I'll just wager to say I at least helped Jacob quite a bit, if I hear Monday that things are still kinda poopy I'll talk to Gretchen too, although that will require much more skill as she probably won't feel comfortable at all talking to me about it.
Honestly, I still like her, but I'd never admit it to anyone but you Lara. Not even anyone that reads this as that would be self-incrimination. I know I don't make her half as happy as Jacob does though, so it's better for me to mend things with them than take advantage of it and go for Gretchen first. Besides, it really makes me feel good helping him like this, and I think I made a good friend tonight.
I may get caught in the middle of these two's little bickering, but at least I'll come out as the bad guy and not either of them.
Love,
Pat |
September 26 2002 -- 9:12 PM -- Xanga Entry II
Dearest Lara,
Many times have I pondered myself and my belonging in this world. Friends I have aplenty; long time companions as well. Loving relationships are all but totally non-existant for me, for there is but one who holds me above all others. Conversely, I hold many very highly, even as I hold myself, but none feel this mutually.
Mr. Mathew is a good friend. I have yet to speak of this to him, but I think he knows how I feel, and I believe he holds the same regards for me. I've been able to confide in him as well as I have any one of my friends. When the day comes when our paths no longer intertwine as closely I will be deeply saddened, but his friendship would not be the first to go by the wayside.
Although several things stick out in my mind that would prove his friendship to me to be true, one thing cries for attention above all other instances. For nearly a year I confided in him my crush on Gretchen and he kept it to himself. Not only this but he also encouraged me and told me stories meant to motivate me when I felt as though all hope was lost. He knew I liked her and tried to befriend her even more closely over the summer. What I did not know, was that she and Jacob had become a couple and were pretty serious about it.
At the first meeting before the Music Maker retreat he was speaking to Danielle about the couples in the group. He exclaimed that there were a couple of serious relationships. Danielle pondered upon this and said the obvious answer, Jim and Ashleigh. When she inquired about the second couple he noticed that I was paying attention to their conversation and shrugged off the question by saying. "Well, it's too soon to say serious really so we won't discuss it." Danielle astutedly pointed out that Gretchen and Jacob were a couple, a fact that I was oblivious to me at the time.
It didn't take much thought as to Mr. Mathew's reasoning behind keeping this from me. He didn't want to see me hurt and decided it best for me to find out through someone else. I wept for quite some time that night. Not only because I knew that Gretchen was now reduced to the sweetest of my dreams, but also because of the realization of what a true friend Kip is to me.
My days aren't coming in clusters of good and bad, but are seemingly spontanious in nature. Today, for example, was a decent mixture of good and bad. Mr. Mathew's evil ways have me convinced that I have a chance with Audrey, so now I can't see her in the same soft toned light that I beheld her in before his coercion, but am constantly aware of flirtatious behavior. Very frustrating to say the least. I was somewhat cheerful before I got to Music Makers. I was downright giddy throughout class, but when we had to stand up and sing, Audrey realized she was about an inch taller than me and had a perplexed, seemingly disappointed look upon her face. During lunch and Forensics I started to slide into a melancholy state of mind. I couldn't help but consider my chances with such a wonderful person.
Audrey is nearly the perfect girl in my opinion; of course, I thought Elise was nearly the perfect girl at one time too. They're both exceptionally beautiful, can sing very well, have beautiful eyes (Elise's are green and Audrey's have the cute puppy dog brown tint), they both have unbelievable smiles and are very funny at times. While Elise and I are just friends, Audrey is an option that hasn't fully revealed itself yet. I'm not going to make the same mistakes over and over again, so I'm just going to play it out and see what happens as far as getting to know her. I'm not going to call her for a while and I'm not going to admit to anyone (excluding the readers of this) my crush on her. Even if I should only gain another friend from the ordeal, it will atleast be one of my best friends.
I've noticed with each girl I get a crush on, my standards and likings are always molded to fit their specific highlights and characteristics. For the sake of good record keeping, here is my list of what I find attractive in a girl :
1) Eyes - the window of the soul. In my opinion one of the most beautiful features of a girl.
2) Smile - a day without laughter is a day wasted. Anyone that doesn't smile can't possible have a positive effect on my life.
3) Voice - I'm so easily charmed by a beautiful voice. Nearly all the girls I've ever liked have been able to comparitively sing with an angel
4) Intilect - talking to the wall is no fun, even if it is the most beautiful wall in the world. Most of the girls I like are smarter than me.
5) Wit/Sense of Humor - usually accompanies intilect. If you're mature enough to recognize your faults and are able to laugh at yourself then you're mature enough for my liking.
In other news we maxed out on the Squat lift in weight lifting today and I got 320 pounds. I impressed everyone else as much as I impressed myself - a wonderful feeling, especially considering I know I can do more weight than that but I need to have something to build up to for the next max. Tomorrow will probably be Bench which will be interesting.
I can't fly yet, but I'm working on it Lara, you'll see.
Love always,
Pat
September 23 2002 - 2:32 PM Xanga Entry I
Dearest Lara,
I didn't make it to school today. I know I should go but I felt like absolute crap this morning. Calculus is already suffering because of my attendance, but I'm definitely not going to be skipping school this year. It's too important for me to just blow it off like I have in the past.
I've been going around looking at the people Kerin has listed under her Xanga and reading them. Some of them are pretty depressing, as I'm sure mine will be at times, but I will simply write to you as I always have Lara.
Sometimes I wonder if it is smart, or even healthy, to expose myself on a public webpage for all eyes to see. I wouldn't care if people just randomly came and visited it, but people I know and will more than likely write about will visit this page, so I feel I have to censor or filter out what I'm thinking for their sake. I'm not going to do that. The fact is, they're reading my journal, and if they didn't want to know these things, they really shouldn't have read it. I don't think that's being too selfish, but I can see how it would be seen that way. Oh well, I live for critique right Lara?
Life has been interesting lately. As far as girls and relationships go, I've been pretty happy with the way things are going. It's hard to look around and see couples holding hands and looking all googly eyed and being happy with each other. I've never felt this, or atleast not mutually. I dream about it; literally dream.
In my dreams the girl I'm with has dark hair, black or brown. Her eyes are always beautiful, never the same, and sometimes one eye is blue and the other is green (a mark of beauty). She's always smiling, she has a beautiful smile. We are usually walking somewhere or laying on the couch together watching a movie. I'd like to believe that I'm seeing the future when I dream about these things, but I'm afraid only time will tell.
There are several good friends of mine that have become pretty prominent in my life lately:
Elise Chase has been a constant ray of sunshine, always making me smile and letting me hug her when I need a hug. I don't think she realizes how much she means to so many people.
Anna Compton is always there when I look for a loyal friend and a shoulder to cry on. She usually makes me feel better about myself too, considering how bad of luck she has.
Tracy Daugherty is a somewhat newfound friend. We've been friends for a while, but only recently began talking on the phone and getting to know each other pretty well. She's sweet but won't ever admit it.
I met Audrey Keifer in Music Makers last year thinking that she was a snotty cheerleader and that I wouldn't want anything to do with her (I was comparing her to Lisa Whittington). I don't think I've been so wrong about a person in my life. She's like the perfect girl. She's beautiful, funny, outgoing, very intelligent, **she can sing very well**, and she actually goes out of her way to talk to me.
Kerin Gregory is very sweet, she's so beautiful and doesn't even realize it. I'm not sure what or who gave her this complex about being ugly or below average, but I wish there was something I could say to make her think otherwise. She lets guys walk all over her and she forgives them at the drop of a hat. It's so frustrating to see how she treats herself and in turn lets others treat her.
Yes I know, those were all girls. I really don't have any strong friendships with guys right now. Jimmie's been blowing me off for some reason or another. It's actually hurting my feelings. I haven't talked to Ben in a good while, and Jeremiah has been acting different lately... I can't put my finger on it. I've been talking pretty serious talk with my brother Richie. He's becoming quite the little man. I hate to admit it, but he's a better person than I gave him credit for, he's just so insecure about himself and needs to grow some balls. I hope he'll keep going down this path he's on, I'd hate to see him slip and do something stupid.
If you read all of that, thanks. If you didn't and just skimmed to the bottom looking for your name, I don't blame you. Lara and I can get kind of windy some times. *nod*
Xanga will more than likely fall to they wayside much as my site has. I'll do my best to update it about three times a week, but I can't make any promises.
Love always,
Pat
August 22 2002 -- 11:59 PM -- Entry III
The Beginning of the End:
Dearest Lara,
Happiness, a way to describe your state of mind when you are more than satisfied with your environment. Everyone strives for it. People move great distances and break off long lasting relationships to try and remember it. When you're happy, people appreciate your company and may even go as far as to call you their friend. I ask God every day to give me the strength to feign my happiness so that perhaps one day I can make my own.
God loves us all. He loves us more than we can imagine. I can say that and let it roll off my lips and only cringe a slight bit. Love is such a broad word. I tell Mom and Dad I love them almost every time I leave them for an extended ammount of time, or when ending a phone conversation with them. Elise told me she loved me last Sunday night. Dad tells Michelle he loves her and Mom tells Ray she loves him.
In the mornings when I take my first conscious breath, I ponder the possibilities of my day. Such was true this morning, and reflecting on those thoughts, I realize that I have failed myself. I failed to be happy. I failed to tell my friends how much they meant to me. I failed not only myself, but also those people that count on me to be a shining example of how being happy and smiling at every person you meet can really heighten our experience in this world. I was being selfish and could not see any farther than the mirror held six inches from my face.
When I see someone having a bad day, regardless of my feelings towards them, nine times out of ten I will go out of my way to make them smile, to help them forget, if only for one second, what's troubling them. That one second means more to me than my own life, because if I can make someone elses stay in this world more pleasant than my own, I know I'm doing what God put me here to do.
The first day of school today was a little more than disappointing to me. I am very tired at the moment though, and really don't care to go into detail about it. Tracey Daugherty inspired me to put another little piece on my front page though. "Girl of the week" At first I was kind of offended that she asked me who my crush of the week was, but now I think I'll turn it around and make my anger into something positive... like posting a "Person of the Week" on my site and posting a pic of them and what makes them so great. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Good night Lara.
Love,
Pat
CURRENT MOOD: Tired and Thoughtful
CURRENT MUSIC: Let There Be Peace On Earth (Vince Gill and Son)
August 21 2002 -- 11:27 PM -- Entry II
Dearest Lara,
Today was about average... I woke up, went to work, went to Harrisonville to get my school stuff and miscellanious hygene products, came home and worked on my site. I'm pretty tired right now.
I had a long talk with my dad about serious stuff. I expressed to him my disliking of Michelle's (his girlfriend) treatment of her kids, and he told me that there's nothing he or I have a right to say about it. We can have opinions, but we can't tell her how to raise her kids. I can somewhat agree with that; I mean, I'd be pissed if someone tried to tell me how to raise my kid, but on the other hand, I would hope someone would help me see the err in my ways.
When I went to mom's house and picked up my binder for school I had a very minor run in with Gay Ray (her husband). I guess he thinks that I don't live up to my word, because he really thought that I would have been moved back in by now. Some people just don't get it. I'm just sorry that my mom has to suffer for his ignorance. Unfortunately, she did bring it on herself.
I pray to God every night before I go to bed. I ask him to reveal to me in my dreams the people that need help, or that I am able to help. None but my closest friends know what I'm talking about when I say that, so allow me to give you an example.
About two months ago, I had a dream where I saw Susan Porter around a man or woman with short hair collapsing to their knees, and then to the ground, suffering from a heart attack (or immense pain). I was lazy and didn't call Cathy Porter (our assistant director of our choirs) for about a month after the dream. She told me that she was scheduled for a annual physical about two weeks ago (she missed it! grrrr). When I called her she told me that she had indeed cut her hair short which made me even more nervous...God knows I'm praying I'm wrong. I'm afraid that by her missing this appointment I've been proven right, but who knows, it might not be her that I saw.
I called Terra twice or maybe three times again today, only to be answered by her mom telling me that she wasn't home on the last attempt. I asked her if she wanted to meet at her favorite pizza (her favorite food) place and have dinner sometime this weekend, but she hasn't written back yet. It'd be nice to meet her, but it really wasn't even my idea to, I was just kind of following Ben. I really hope she doesn't stop talking to me after we meet; she's really cool and I like talking to her.
Oi! It's 11:43! If I don't get to bed I'm not going to want to wake up in the morning for my *last first day* of high school! Good night Lara.
Love,
Pat
CURRENT MOOD: Tired!
CURRENT MUSIC: That's the Good Stuff -- Kenny Chesney 
August 20, 2002 -- 11:23 PM -- Entry I
Dearest Lara,
Talk about moving up in the world! You started out as some chicken scratches on a notepad, blossomed into fountain pen writing on canary yellow paper, evolved into typed words on a word document and now you're online for the whole world to see! I'm as excited as you are!
So to those of you that are reading this that don't know me that well, I welcome you to my little chunk of the universe and invite you to check out my section "Stalker's Paradise" and see what I'm all about. Lara is the name of my journal. She's named in honor of Lara Croft from Tomb Raider and "The Diary of Anne Frank," a movie I would recommend anyone to see (I couldn't bring myself to finish the book). Now that I've got the introductions out of the way, let's get on with the good stuff--
The past few days have been a dream. You know how I love meeting new people and listening to people's stories right Lara? Well the Music Maker retreat was this weekend and over half the choir is first year members so I had plenty of people to meet! Just when I thought life couldn't get more interesting, I get back from the retreat and meet two awesome girls: Terra Jewell and Kerin Gregory.
Meeting Terra was about an accident and a half. I was feeling lonely Sunday night and started skimming through the MSN Profiles. I found hers and saw it had a web page link, so I thought, "What the hell? Why not?" and checked it out.
Her site showed me how cool she was. I mean I was floored! I was so impressed that I sent her an email telling her how cool the site was and that I'd really like to talk to her sometime.
Within about ten minutes I get a message on MSN saying that mizkafuffin@hotmail.com has added me to their MSN Messenger list and asks me if I want to add this person to my list. I accept and I'm thinking "Oh no, the spamming has begun!!" Here's the transcript:
Pat says:
Hi, who's this?
Ask Me About My Pain says:
you emailed me about my profile and my website
Ask Me About My Pain says:
im Terra (Stiff Kitten)
Pat says:
cool, I didn't expect to talk to you for like a week
Ask Me About My Pain says:
hmm..why?
Pat says:
I dunno, if you're as lazy as me it wouldn't surprise me
Pat says:
I want to ask you about all kinds of stuff, but I'm afraid it'll be freaky cause I know a lot about you now and have no idea who you are outside of what you write
Ask Me About My Pain says:
haha
Ask Me About My Pain says:
well, i am what i write, and im really open on my site because its basically for just my friends to view
Pat says:
/\
|
|
new found friend
And that's how it all began! Granted, we've only been buds for 3 days now, I think we're pretty good friends already. She's really cool. I love her sense of individuality and how we think so much alike (heh that sounds very self indulgent, but it's nice to know that I'm not alone in the world). She wants to meet me, but I'm a little apprehensive about it because all the other times I met a girl without them actually seeing me first has lead to me seeing a dissappointed look, and that does wonders to your self esteem. I'll let you know how it goes Lara.
Kerin (KER - IN, not CARE - IN -- very pretty name in my opinion) is Elise's best bud, so naturally I had to see who she was! I talked to her Sunday night too (while I was talking to Terra). She's BEAUTIFUL! I mean really beautiful! When I saw her yesterday when I went to Elise's house, I caught myself gasping for breath. Kerin is an ode to natural beauty! She's real cool too!
Kerin used to live here but moved when she was in sixth grade and now lives in Lee's Summitt, but not for much longer. She's decided living with her dad isn't that great so she's moving in with her mom, who's moving to CHICAGO! That's like a THOUSAND miles away! :'( So it's a very big tease for me to get to know her right before she's moving (well, three weeks from now)
I've gotten to know Kerin pretty well today. I talked to her on the phone for about 30 minutes or so, and online for about an hour or two (wasn't keeping track). She doesn't take compliments very easily and seems to let guys walk on her now and then, but she's strong willed and loves having fun (including MUD WRESTLING!!! WOOOOO).
Last weekend was really fun. We learned our show which includes the songs:
This Must Be Just Like Livin' In Paradise
Kansas City
St Louis Blues
Sweet Home Alabama
New York, New York
Broadway
NYC - From the musical "Annie"
Playing in a Traveling Band
Route 66
The group looks real solid this year and the show is so much more entertaining than last years! I honestly believe we will take first or second place in ALL of the shows we do.
I met a girl named Katie Boyyd (spelling?) this weekend too. She's the Sophomore drum major in the Royal Regiment and she's involved in a lot of the Methodist Church Counsels. She's very pleasant to talk to and I think I've developed a little crush on, but then again I get a crush on almost every one of my female friends at one time or another. *sigh*
Well, I didn't really say everything I wanted to, but I just spent thirty minutes writing this, so I think I'll give it a rest and go around updating the site some more.
Love,
Pat
*** I really liked this when I saw it on Terra's site, so I'm gonna incorperate it in my journal too.
CURRENT MOOD: excited with a mix of melancholy (it's the music)
CURRENT MUSIC: The Final Fantasy X Main Theme (Piano)
|
